Thursday, 12 March 2015

The Apple Car is almost here!

This entire story is based on a rumour: Apple is developing a car, most likely an electric car.

For someone who started using an Apple product in 1993, a Macintosh LC III, I have delusions of having an insight into Apple workings. My hand also featured in the first ever Apple newspaper ad released in India. (God hasn't given me an ad-worthy face, but ask any man and he will agree that having a good hand makes up for it in ways that cannot be described here.) A picture of my hand in the ad was shown clutching a bunch of seven five hundred-rupee notes which I was not allowed to take home after the shoot was over.

The Apple car will be launched in 2020. The world will see it when Peter Cook will reach into a manila envelope and pull out the car. Or he will drive onto the stage in it, simply and boringly.

The night before the car will be available for purchase there will be huges queues starting from the Apple store on Fifth Avenue, NYC and reaching all the way to the Mexico border. The first guy in the queue will be a Samsung employee who will take one home, all the way to Korea, where his team will check it against the prototype they have made on the basis of leaked Apple car blueprints.

The second guy in the store will be presented the option of buying three models. Model 1 will have a battery that will last for a day and reach a maximum speed of 50mph. Model 2 will have a battery life of two days, a maximum speed of 100mph and will cost twice as much as Model 1. 3. Model 3: Four days battery life, 150mph and four times the cost of Model 1. The models will be imaginatively named iCar1, iCar1c and iCar1s. There will be no choice of colours.

The Apple Car will come locked. That is, customers will be able to re-charge it only from sockets of Apple-decided electricity companies. Of course, those who smuggle it into India will have to take it to Heera Panna in Mumbai or Nehru Place in Delhi etc. and get it unlocked so that it can be charged anywhere.

The Apple Car will be launched in India long after its US launch. That's because the team at Apple has seen pictures of India clicked by Steve Jobs when he visited India, that is, in 1974. Naturally they think that India is a poor country with bullock carts where it is okay to whip the bull but not eat it. Naturally they are absolutely right.

The Apple Car will be constantly connected to the internet. It will not have a radio and you will have to download songs on an in-built iPod for 99 cents a song. When you sell the car, the buyer will have to buy the songs all over again.

The Apple Car will have a front camera that will be connected to an iPad on the dashboard so you can surf the internet while looking at the road. It will also have a rear camera. No, this will be used while reverse parking. The selfie camera will be neatly concealed in the vanity mirror.

If a part of the Apple Car is damaged Apple will replace it free of cost - only if you are covered by Apple Care. If even one moment passes after your Apple Care lapses, Apple will not renew it. So God forbid if something happens to an uncovered car; you will have sell it to the scrap dealer. Or find a parking spot for the next 20 years when it will have antique value for being a first model.

Needless to say, you will not be able to open the hood of the Apple Car. It will not have a boot either because it's a car and not a storage device.

There will be a new model of the Apple Car launched every few years. If you persist with the old one, you will get looks on the street that say, "What a loser/moron/Hindi bad word."

Two years after the first Apple Car is launched, a random guy in California will become a millionaire selling stickers and covers for the Apple Car.

One year later, Samsung will launch a car. It will come in 12 colours, 20 different battery lifes and maximum speeds, will have a boot...

Six months later, there will be multiple fakes coming out of China. They will have cheaper plastic, glass, names like Apple Cart but will have longer battery life.

Three months later, a really cool fashion designer will present a diamond-encrusted Apple Car to the world that will be priced at the GDP of a small nation. A pop star will buy it and will be arrested on the same day for driving it under the influence of pot. He will share his prison cell with the last guy in the queue who had been arrested at the border for crossing into the US from Mexico without valid papers.

Yeah, I am looking forward to the launch of The Apple Car and would like to thank the folks at Apple for coming up with this. My sincere gratitude to the folks at macrumors for valuable news about this road-shattering event from the future.

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