So who are you?

“I am not a muffin person,” she declares, not just to her friend but also to the world.


In the opposite corner of the room sits another woman. If you were to ask her she’d probably say:

“I am a sari person. I wear cotton saris made crisp by starch and pressed to achieve the consistency of shoe-box cardboard. It’s rough, this starched and pressed cotton-ness, but it is the price you pay for loving Art. Yes, even when I think of Art, I think of it with a capital ‘A’. I may not be an artist but I love Art and I need to wear this uniform, to do this daily penance, monk-in-hair-shirt-like, so I can belong to Art and hang out with Artists.”

Is that the secret behind the ‘muffin person’ declaration too?

There was a time, not too long ago, when we would simply declare, “I don’t like muffins”. Or, “I prefer the sea over the mountains”. Or, “I work better in the morning”. Or, some such preference that was a simple personal choice and not our whole personality.

(The old adage {word meaning ‘advertising that became the truth with age’}, ‘You are what you eat’  has now been replaced by, ‘You are what you don’t eat’. Look at Kareena for example. Of course, the first time I heard size zero I thought they were using it in the professional context, that is, acting ability = zero, but then clueless me soon figured {pun alert!} what it was. Today’s Mumbai Mirror has a picture caption that defines ‘muffin top’ as flesh spilling off the top of the jeans. Ugh. After reading that I too would like to declare, “I am not a Muffin Person, not anymore”.)   

But looks like ‘muffin person’ declarations are here to stay and have become short cuts to announce:
‘I belong to a group of people, a clan, a tribe that is united and characterised by its refusal of muffins which in itself is an ‘SMS (Short Messed-up Service) Way’ of announcing your refusal to indulge in food that makes you fat, or some such cool thing that’s currently in vogue’. And in Elle and Femina too.

So here’s a quick guide to some important labels floating around town. In 5 minutes (10 if you don’t cheat and actually read this stuff), it will help you find out who you are (something that took our sages a lifetime or seven), seek out those who are like you and will ultimately lead to you joining a Facebook group of like-minded people - For example, ‘Unhappy to be Single. Desperate to Mingle.’

The Labels

1] Wine Person: Urban, urbane (the difference between the two is an ‘e’), sophisticated, rich, classy, new age, well-travelled globe trotter and faking all of the above.

2] Wine & Cheese Person: Same as 1. Except fatter, plus a free-loader.

3] Single Malt Person: Same as 1, except filthy rich and old. In fact so old that cannot read the label of the bottle he is drinking from even before having a drink. Also add snobbish, male, very high up in management, so high that shareholders pay for the single malt.

4] Morning Person: Someone who wakes up so early in the morning that he/she has to turn on the lights. Gets sadistic pleasure in: 
i) Waking up rest of the household by being noisy in the bathroom. 
ii) Getting the building watchman sacked by catching him sleeping as he/she goes out for a walk, jog or game of tennis/squash where he/she meets more Morning Persons. 
iii) Reaching office before everyone and messing up everyone else’s appraisals.

Tell-tale sign: The one who can’t stay awake beyond 10PM or one drink, whichever comes first.

5] People’s Person: I love the irony or contradiction or tautology or whatever’s the correct figure of speech (pun alert!!). He/she is the one whose mouth is moving in a non-stop chatter and is seeking out people even while they make futile attempts to escape.


6] Apple Person: No, not to be confused with the Diet Person, this one believes in God. Thinks God’s name is Steve Jobs.

Of course, there are more - Chocolate Person, Milk Person, Floaters Person, Sneakers Person, Jeans & T-shirt Person, Golf Person, Feather & Fur Person, Leather & Whips Person... We can go on and on. With the insights provided by this guide here, I hope you will look outside and find out who you are inside. On the basis of that self-realization you will be able to go out and join thousands of people like you and experience happiness. After all, human beings are social animals which is the same as party animals except party animals drink more and are not Morning Persons.

“I am not a muffin person,” she replies to her friend’s suggestion with a hint of snobbery and a look that says, ‘You don’t know… and you call yourself my friend?’ The friend bites her lip and looks out at the rain lashing the café window, probably wondering if she were to order a muffin for herself, would the already strained jeans withstand another assault? Sorry, I meant, already strained friendship. Or will she be one friend short on Facebook by end of the day?